It's sunday

so, the other night i decided to be a douche and go onto the michael hill jewellers site to find out how much the bracelet mel bought me cost. turns out it's worth 750 dollars. the guilt is killing me.

Starting again.

Currently I'm with someone, A girl. I'm doubting my ability to make this last. I'm horrible.
You know when you think you have everything all going well? You think that life couldn't be any better and then certain circumstances occur leaving you feeling like you've just witnessed a photograph of your mothers vagina.
It's so hard on me, So so incredibly hard.
Andy(my ex), The Villain.
Mel, The victim.
Asya, The awkward hero that doesn't know what the fuck she's meant to do.
It's been years, YEARS, LITERALLY.
RECAP:
Andy and I had dated when I was in grade 10. He was my first boyfriend. My first kiss. Our parents disapproved and forced us to split up. He is the first person I've ever dumped.

He he practically presents himself to me again. Why. Just why.
I've locked it away for so long. This craving. This want to see him again, these feelings.
And now i'm stuck.
I disgust myself.

My mother discussed things with me a few nights ago. Regarding Mel. I didn't break down crying like i usually do. Instead i sat there, avoiding eye contact, pained expression on my face.
I need to make this last, but i don't want to.
All these thoughts are leading me to constant confusion.
I miss Andy, I miss him so much. Words cannot explain how I feel about him.
And, Mel. Yes, I'm dating her. Yes, I liked her when i committed to this. But, I'm not ready to commit. I'm acting like a douche, everything i say to her is either a joke, a sarcastic witty remark, or something to pass time. To top that off I behave like i'm single, and now i'm with her, i realize how much i cannot even begin to connect with her. We have such different social classes, such different goals, different mannerisms, different sense of humor.
I don't even know what to do, i'm stuck in an infinite loop it seems.

Trying.

So, within the time it took for me to remember i had this 'so-called' blog
I have been in a relationship, and fallen out. the boy dumped me.
I am currently obessing over pokemon.

I would rather not go into any more detail until the necessary time.

So, today all i've been thinking is that
notice how whenever you try, trying isn't always enough?
It's motherfucking hard to keep up with everything in life,
also, I AM SUCH A BAD PROCRASTINATOR. I'm procrastinating right now.

I'm not depressed though I'm very lonely.
I don't believe i need a man to make me happy i just believe sometimes it's hard to make happiness on your own.
When you've become so used to having something around or there once it's gone or taken away from you it just is so hard, incredibly hard to be okay.

also, i find the time of this post horribly depressing lol

your clouded mind.

i know that somewhere, deep deep inside your clouded mind, i'm there walking that path.
even though you wont tell me, even though you pull it off like nothing's wrong, i know something is.
I'm trying my best you see, your words aren't making much sense to me, it's confusing.
But, regardless i am trying, trying to get better at helping you.
Yes, yes i do miss you. i meant what i told you, yet i guess all i'm wanting more than anything is for you to be happy. stop being so depressed, it's horrible, it's affecting your health, your sleep and most of all, which also happens to be the worst is it's affecting you.
Make up your mind.

&
Happy birthday Fatty, i've known you for too long woman, 11 yrs + ! LOL
rest in peace tacotaco, your death has affected reannan and made her sad, i hope she's going to feel better.

naive

nothing

nothing is still something, but is generally something that feels like nothing.

naive

you know that feeling you get where you just keep thinking '' this is too good to be true, it doesn't feel real'' and yet you still believe everything's going to be okay, you disregard everyone's worry and you keep smiling like a fool.

guilt

that feeling you get where you feel like vomiting, you want to cry but can't make tears come and you say you're sorry for every little thing.

emptyness

you know something's missing but you can't exactly describe what. you feel lonely and sad.

anger/ jealousy

when you laugh hysterically and take them as a joke, you feel the need to out do them with everything, you make them seem like you're close to them when in fact you are ridden with hateful thoughts.

your smiles towards them cut's deep holes within your heart.

love

understanding.

bleh

www.asyanoobface.deviantart.com
http://asyanoobface.tumblr.com/
http://www.formspring.me/asyanoobface
http://www.asyanoobface.blogspot.com/
http://www.bebo.com/Tobiteatime

-sigh- too much crap, it's becoming annoying and fustrating to try kepe up with everything.

here i am, sitting at school using a proxy to go on facebook & other things (such as this)

i'm so bored lately, things don't feel right.
i keep telling my self i'm going good, what's there to feel guilty about?
but, i still feel like what i'm doing is wrong.
i just,
i miss you.
i miss your smile.
i won't even say i love you anymore, because it hurts.
i jsut wanna remember everything, i just wanna be happy and carefree like it was before.

a long time

so, i haven't been all full hard out internet lately.
neither have a been blogging, at all, hardly, not at all.

so, summing up what's happened lately?

called him, wished him happybirthday, held back my tears then as soon as i hung up i cried.

but, i was happy. happier than ever. i wish he knew how much i missed him.

so, block exams, everyday a little of me was dying.

wednesday cheered me up, i smiled too much, it was a day off exams. SPARE DAY WOO.

embarrassingly on friday, brenda did my hair and put makeup on me, alot of makeup.

But, everyone was exchanging glances with me, telling me cute complements.

I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO REACT.

i hid myself within the rolled over sleaves in which i held to tightly with my hands from my pull over school jumper. -sigh- but otherwise it was a good finish to a much stressful exam week.

i love it when people you hardly talk to anymore, talk to you, out of the blue, unexpected.

it makes my day, thankyou.

and now, saturday, moon cakes, manga books,

magazine in hand, tissues and....LOL joking

but yeah, i'm bored, super tired. and i told jmichael i'd call him for a little bit, but not too much, because i'm cheap. so, off i go to calling michael, then going to sleep. (: